Let’s talk about anxiety (finally!)
Hiding it is only going to make it worse.
Coincidently enough, the first song that Spotify chose to play right now is “I can’t carry this anymore.” That’s a cosmic sign! This blog was meant to be. I just had three anxiety attacks in an hour. It was so confusing that I had to google the symptoms. I knew I had anxiety, but this was clearly something new. I am sitting peacefully in my room, attending my abstract algebra class, concentrating fully, taking notes, and out of nowhere, I don’t feel like focusing anymore. I keep my notebook down, sit for a moment, and then I am crying. Why? I don’t know. I am constantly asking myself — why are you crying? What happened? You were fine five minutes before what changed? And I don’t know!
My anxiety has always been triggered by stress. But today, I wasn’t stressing, I was happy, I wasn’t having an existential crisis, I wasn’t feeling useless. It was supposed to be a stress-free good day. And suddenly, I am shaking, feeling cold, weak as hell, everything at the same time, and that’s not bothering me. I am just constantly asking myself about the reason. Bro! Who got you crying like that?!
I pick up my phone, I am thinking if I should talk to someone. For a moment, I thought of calling mom, but then what would I exactly tell her. And what can she do being so far away except worry? I think I should text one of my friends, anyone, maybe not tell them what’s happening, but I can just engage myself in some random conversation. But what if I slip, what if they realize, I don’t want attention, this is not happening because I want attention. I don’t want people to think I am broken. I don’t want sympathy. I have my feelings, and emotions all sorted out, and if not, at least I know how to control it. Then why can’t I control myself today?
I guess I have been avoiding these feelings for so long that now, everything is coming for me, at once. I google methods to control anxiety attacks (of no use). Finally, I open my insta feed, I am watching random cat videos, and I am in control. But the moment I keep my phone down it starts again.
I never wanted to be that person with emotional issues, but the more I ignore stuff, the harder it gets to handle myself. If someone tells me they have anxiety, I would suggest they be open about it. Then why am I not taking my own advice? Writing this blog to actually confront me. I should realize that I can talk about it. People won’t judge, and even if they do, I shouldn’t care since it’s for my own benefit. It’s not for attention if you’re crying all alone in your room.